Hey guys, Happy Bachelor Monday!! I hope you’ve all been wonderful the past like 100 years since I wrote last and I really hope that you all survived the mushy celebratory and marketable day of love last week! I for one, tried to shower those I love with love, despite my being super single this year with no one to love ON.
Valentine’s day is obviously a cheesy holiday, I promise it doesn’t make you any more cool to state that and protest against the cuteness, okay? Of course it’s tacky - it’s a day filled with pink, hallmark cards and candy! But I will always love love no matter how enormous the teddy bear or obnoxious the card, and I am all about the cheesy stuff any day of the year especially if it’s in the form of gift-giving which is definitely one of my love languages. Ultimately, it’s all positive vibes and happy cheese unless you’re heartbroken so at the end of the day, I’d rather embrace Valentine’s day than hate on it single or not ya know? I actually promised this blog post would be out BEFORE Valentine’s Day but here we are, happy belated ha!
I’ve been away from this blog of mine for a while, like a long, loonng while… but I’ve been truly SO busy working on school and my future and that definitely qualifies as a solid excuse. The good news is that with some very recent, pretty excited changes going on in my life, I finally feel motivated and actually able to find time to sneak in a post or two!
The next time I write after this will hopefully be an “updated update”, a post that’s relevant to my life today and can hopefully serve as inspiration for some of ya’ll who might need a reminder to really focus on self-discovery and soul searching. Most of all, that post will be about not being so fearful of change as long as you’re following your heart. Look out for that, it’s just on hold while I wait on some things to get sorted out before I share!!
In the meantime, we’re gonna talk a whole lot about dating and love and sex and being single and all the good stuff, cause ladies and gents we really don’t know what the hell we’re doing anymore. Myself included. So, here goes nothin’.
“DATING” IN THE 21ST CENTURY…AS A 20 SOMETHING YEAR OLD (or…not dating and just being single ha)
K. Let’s be real with each other. We’re all guilty, we’re all the problem, we’re all at fault. Dude our parents look at us like we’re nuts because…we ARE. We, this generation, this CRAZY generation, have lost all sight of what’s important, what to prioritize, what to look for, what to put up with, how to talk to each other, how to flirt properly and not be creepy or pushy or forward…how to FIND all of that in one person that doesn’t completely, entirely fucking SUCK. I mean seriously, I can count on one hand…maybe a hand and a half???… the amount of friends I have that are sincerely, happily, completely in loving, healthy relationships at our age. For those friends, I couldn’t be happier, more at peace and more hopeful for and of their love and their luck being a 20-somethin’ year old in a successful relationship. I am so happy for those who seem to have it figured out and I cannot wait to be at or in ya’lls weddings BUT for this post specifically in the most loving way possible, you’re excluded.
Sorry, I love you my dear friends-in love but you probably got roses and sex on Valentine’s Day so I’m not that sorry. This post is for those of us who are currently so single we bought ourselves peanut butter cups for Valentine’s Day and contemplated redownloading tinder for the evening.
My single millenial readers, what the actual EF are we doing!? We’re sliding into people’s DM’s (yes, I do this too), downloading dating apps to swipe left and right on mostly creepy random people we’ll never meet, then we find someone and we’re SERIOUSLY using “nah it’s not like that, we’re just talking” “no we’re not together it’s just like a thing” as an EXCUSE to walk all over people and date multiple at a time?!?! “We” are fearful of commitment, fearful of rejection, fearful of pure interaction and confrontation! Fearful of saying our feelings, expressing ourselves, being HONEST. Ya’ll…it’s so bad that we’re quite literally dropping off the face of the earth and leaving people completely hanging by GHOSTING (as if this should even be a term at all) them and never giving them any explanation or closure.
What we’re not doing a whole lot of is falling in love, telling those people we love that we love them and SHOWING it, giving closure, communicating, respecting, meeting people authentically. The list goes on. Personally, since this is my blog and I am only able to speak for myself….I will of course share my perspective and my lessons learned…but I (as always) would love to hear yours. Let’s sulk together.
For a lot of my 23 years on this planet I have been in relationships by choice. I’m a relationship girl at heart, I like bonding with people, making close connections, having someone to confide in and hang out with and love on. I’ve never been one to just hook up with someone and never talk to them again. I don’t really drink at all, so sloppy one-night-stands really aren’t a thing I do a lot of and in the past 6-8 months I’ve really done a whole lot of nothing as far as dating goes. I still believe in love whole-heartedly, though. And I am quite impatiently longing for the day I get to be in it again.
I have been in love two times that I can count on for sure, so I know it exists and I know that I want it again.
First was my “young love”. I dated the same guy most of my high school career and luckily he was the sweetest, kindest and most hardworking guy in my town, I swear. I was a smart teenager, guys. I somehow seemed to know more about character and love then. I guess at 14 years old, I knew what was good for me, and that was him. We grew up together essentially as best friends, attached at the hip and we really loved each other. Young love of course, but love nevertheless. I absolutely, admittedly think about him very often, even now. He’s out there somewhere happily in love with a new girl (as far as I know) and we haven’t seen each other in years, but I would hope that he knows that I will always have a special place in my heart for him. We’re strangers now, but my 14 year-old self loved him too deeply to forget.
The second I’ve been sure of was my first “adult love”. I met a guy at 18 and he was 25. Older, cooler, unique, hard to get to. Of course all of these aspects made it THAT much more fun. I was intrigued from the jump and I was in trouble from day one. From that point on…literally…he was in my life for 4-5 years in one way or another and we eventually, in a very round-about and unhealthy way, fell in love. Madly, obsessively, stupidly in love. I 100% thought I would marry him, and I was aware he had a proposal planned. However I was not being treated well at all and I was forced to choose between him and the rest of the people in my life, including myself. Luckily in the end, I knew better and I learned a lot.
It’s been about 17 months since that point in my life and boy, has a lot changed. Except, through it all, I haven’t lost hope or faith in love. Since choosing me, I’ve spent some time by myself, some time with some amazing men and some not so amazing boys. I’ve dated around a bit and I’ve admittedly spent a couple hours on the dating apps we all love to hate…including Instagram cause that’s my app of choice. Had small successes, met some cool people, went on some dates, texted some guys. I was treated well and treated poorly, used my brain and used my heart. I think ultimately, the past year-ish, dating just hasn’t been my top priority and that is why I’m single and that is so okay. My priority has absolutely, undoubtedly, selfishly been myself.
After being so deeply, passionately in love and watching it cripple me and dissolve in front of my eyes, love became a little bit scary and unattainable soon after. Although I’ve never stopped wanting it, my view on it just changed over some time. It’s still something I want, something we should all want and something that is worth having…I’m just more choosey with who I want to be in love with.
I think I’ve caught glimpses since, I know that I’ve seen potential. I think I’ve been loved since, and I know I’ve been taken advantage of just the same. When you’re young and you’re single, you’re bound to experience a little bit of everything. It’s all in the game.
Keeping myself as a priority has been crucial to healing from my last love. People often ask me how I got over my adult break up, what I did to stay so “calm”, what I did to heal…and my response is always the same. Time. Support. Distraction. Staying busy. Allowing myself to feel whatever it is I feel. In short, know that no matter what, you’ll come out stronger, better and more capable of loving than you were before.
HOWEVER what I can’t seem to offer is advice on how to survive as a single girl AFTERWARD. Cause girl, I don’t know. This single world is weird, we’re all so out of touch and glued to our phones and reliant on looks, bios and sex. Ever since I’ve been single, I feel so lost lol.
For the past 6ish months I’ve been the MOST single I think I’ve ever been in my life! The more I creep away from being in a relationship, the more I miss being in one… a real one. And the more that sadly… I lose hope and realistic sight in finding someone I really want that with again!
Where the hell are the good ones?! If you are one, lemme know lol.
I’ve definitely become much more picky in who I pay any mind to, I definitely have some walls up, I’m more cautious, I’m more aware, I’m a little more selfish. And honestly I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I think that comes with experience and age and lessons learned.
But what if you wanna find someone?! What if we get sick of being single? What if the one person I keep picturing myself with probably doesn’t feel the same way? Where do we go?! Where do we turn to? How do we meet someone who wants what we want? How do we know who to trust or who to commit to? How do you compete with the instagram models your ex likes on IG, the beauty standards, the shallow expectations of most single people? Especially in today’s warped world…
We’re in our 20’s, we’re young, we’re hormonal, we’re horny, we’re energized, we’re freakin BORED, we have all the time in the world, we’re probably hot….you’re hot. I’m telling ya you’re hot…so what’s the problem? Why are we single and how do we change it if we want to?! Is it even okay to be single? I feel like everyone is married or engaged…or having KIDS! Ya’ll.
“Oh well who meets the love of their life at a bar?”
“Oh those stupid dating apps are so shallow and so pointless, everyone just wants to hook up”
“Oh well college boys are too young and immature”
“Guys our age are still so shallow, I need an older man”
“He’s too nice, he’s too mean, he’s a hoe, she’s a hoe, he or she is too this, too that”
Ok girl or guy, or whoever you are…what are we waiting for then? What are we banking on? Are we just gonna stay at home and hope this soulmate of ours just falls from the sky and/or breaks into our house while we’re bingeing Netflix?
I want to have hope again. I want to imagine and know that I will fall in love again someday with someone worth my time and love and energy. Someone who will treat me well and make me laugh and have ambitions and goals and dreams. Someone who will support me and love me through all of the ups and downs. Someone who loves kids, and is accepting and nonjudgemental and open minded and progressive. Someone who respects my wishes, opinions, dreams, beliefs, and vice-versa.
I know as well as you do that we ALL have so much to offer someone who wants what we want. And even if that’s just something casual, even if that’s just a hookup, at least we have more to give than what we’re receiving right now. And at least we could open our hearts and our minds and our MOUTHS and communicate that with each other so that we are all on the same page.
I’m soo tired of wanting and waiting for this miracle to happen, wanting so desperately to meet someone so authentically in a coffee shop or book store or out to dinner with some friends. That’s how it’s supposed to happen, right? THAT is the circumstance in which it works and you fall in love at first sight and you flash forward 5 years and you’re married with a babe on the way or some cute shit like that! Those are the times when it happens, when you least expect it or when you weren’t looking. So you delete the dating apps and you avoid talking to people for longer than a few minutes at a bar and you start doing your makeup a little bit fancier to go study at Starbucks…right? That’s how it happens?
So then why are we all still so single and so so so desperate for attention from other people? So on the “hunt” for love that we’re swiping for it? What if we’re just supposed to be patient and wait and STOP searching? Stop swiping, stop looking, stop yearning, stop hoping. Maybe we just wait and it’ll happen when it happens and when it does we’ll just know. Patience is a virtue. We all need to work on that.
I say we wait as long as we have to because when you do fall in love, it’s so worth the wait. Even if it’s not your last time falling in love, it still changes your life completely. And maybe it is the last time and maybe we will meet the love of our life, or maybe we already have but we need to accept it and go after it and stop being so scared to fail or lose or break. Love is the closest thing we have to magic, and that’s why it’s sometimes so hard to find.
My hope for us, dating in our 20’s in this day in age when the internet provides us access to the world at our fingertips and you can stalk your ex on instagram and you can swipe to match with the hottest person possible…my hope is that amongst all of that temptation and “fun”, we still make sure to recognize our worth, acknowledge our flaws and our strengths, respect others and communicate our feelings and intentions. No one is perfect, you wouldn’t want to be, but there is someone perfect for you, and you’re perfect for someone and THAT is why all the cheese that is Valentine’s day is fun when you’re a believer in love.
As hard as it is for me and for you and for all of us, we must see past the surface, ask questions, speak our minds and be open to the idea that not everyone is awful and not everyone is your ex. I think we can have it all, if we just adjust our way of viewing love and dating. It’s not a rush, it’s not always a game, and people are people and we all want the same thing. With your phone in your hand and your heart on your sleeve, open your eyes and your heart and your mind and talk to each other! I hope we all still believe in love and don’t give up complete hope that it’s out there for all of us…no matter how weird and contorted we’ve made the journey to find it.
We’re so weird, guys. This generation is so weird. But we’re also so smart, so beautiful and so powerful. We have loud, passionate voices and we have things to say and people who want to hear us. We have platforms like THIS BLOG, social media sites, college campuses, youtube, we have places to share our thoughts and ideas and wishes and hopes, and yet so many of us are afraid to share! Afraid to connect, afraid to talk, afraid to go for it. Love still exists, even if you’ve been broken before. Love still exists even if you’re not in it right now. Love still exists even if it’s not in the way you imagined it. Love still exists even if it’s hard to find. Love still exists but it doesn’t come without effort and it doesn’t come without patience. Nothing worth having comes easy, and hey…maybe it’s already right in front of your eyes.
Open them! You’re worthy of the chance to love and be loved. Don’t fight it off, don’t hunt for it, don’t push it away. It should be easy and it should be worth it.
This was like one giant rant that probably didn’t even make sense, but I still have so much to say. Except I want to say it to you, WITH you! SO, please share your love stories with me! Share your weird first-date horror stories, breakup stories, share your opinions on dating in this day-in-age, with these weird apps and social standards and expectations. Tell me what you think, how you feel, what you struggle with. Let’s start the conversation because I think we’re the only ones who understand what it’s like to be dating and single in our 20’s, in 2019, in the Instagram-perfect world. Whatever you wanna tell me, I’m all ears! Let’s be single together until we’re not. Deal?
Happy Valentine’s Day, guys, maybe next year we’ll all be in love again ;)